Let's talk about sex

I'm now officially OFFICIALLY in the second trimester. News about the chromosomal results helps reassure me that the baby is still likely growing and healthy inside me, even though I can't feel it. I know that still this is largely out of my control, but hey, hope never killed a baby. I bought my first pair of maternity jeans. Thanks to progesterone weight gain, my old jeans were already kind of getting uncomfortable before the pregnancy, so with my "thickening" turning into a teeny bump, I figured why not have something besides yoga pants to be comfortable in on the weekends. Empire waisted dresses and leggings/tights are still getting me through the work week.

I've already had many people ask me if I know the sex. Which is interesting, because the cell-free fetal DNA test we took is still only about 4 years old, and that's the only way (I think) someone could know the sex before an amnio or an anatomy scan, which would both be much later in trimester #2 than I am. We opted not to find out the sex. For now. I'm not dogmatic about much of anything, so we'll just play it by ear as we go. Next scan is the first week of November, when we'll have an opportunity to know then, if we want to. Here are reasons I've heard for learning the sex:

1. It helps people imagine/bond with their child.
2. They'd be just as surprised finding out before the birth than at the birth. 
3. It helps them prepare the nursery, clothing, etc.
4. Other really specific reasons. 

I remember when I first got pregnant, I felt surprised at myself to really want to know the sex because of #1. I wanted to know as much about this kid as possible. As for #2 and #3, those aren't really compelling to me. For me, I don't really care about being "surprised." In fact, I *hate* surprises! And as for #3, that's a reason for me specifically to NOT know. I've been at showers when someone is expecting a girl, and no matter what the mother's proclivities are, or her requests, every single thing in that room ends up pink, from wash cloths to pacifiers. Whatever I have to say about gender conformity and capitalist exploitation (selling gendered baby washcloths is a great way to make sure people have to buy twice as many, rather than using the same ones for boys and girls), and you can guess by now I have a lot to say, basically I just want to look at more than one or two colors around the house. Just aesthetically, it'd be nice to see a mix--in the kid's room, among their toys, on their body, in photos. And if I had a boy or a girl, I would try my damnedest to decorate their room in as gender-neutral a way as possible, because well, girls can be scientists and boys can be nurturing caregivers and all that. As for #4, right now I don't really have any #4.

I do have one reason I'd like to know, though. This great local sewing shop is having a class on girl dress patterns. And while I might buy my son an Elsa dress to play dress up in if he loves "Frozen," as some moms I know have done, I probably won't put him in a dress on a regular basis. Still, how likely am I really to make time for sewing? So not a great reason.

I do, however, have reasons to *not* know, and I don't encounter people articulating these. Like I said, I don't need a "surprise" as a "help" to push at the end. However, I do anticipate having a lot of huge feelings about having a boy or a girl that go right to the core about my own assumptions about gender that after 35 years, no amount of feminism is going to just wipe away. Especially after my experience of my family of origin. Having a boy can be frightening because I relate so much more easily to women--will I relate to my son? And having a girl can be frightening because I might relate too much to her--will I see her as reliving my childhood? And I just think I might be sad one way or the other, since this may be the only child I ever have. Sad that I might never have a boy, or a girl--that I might never get to use my "girl" or "boy" name we have picked out. And I just don't think that thought will cross my mind when (hopefully) my vagina has just been stretched to unimaginable limits and I am holding my child in my arms for the very first time. And there are reasons for that, because when I find out the sex of my child, I'll be only really encountering *my ideas* about what gender means, my imagined implications of that chromosomal factoid, not anything truly revelatory about the *person* my child is. Maybe s/he'll be trans. Maybe s/he'll be small, or big, or quiet, or loud. Right now, all of his or her characteristics are equally important; her or his sex is no more important than the others. All I want to know is how healthy he or she is.

Secondly, I kind of want to challenge myself to think outside the box to attach to my child. To practice loving him or her for who she or he is, for however he or she will reveal him or herself to me, rather than what I want her or him to be. This is kind of abstract, and I would never expect someone else to feel the same way. I just kind of like it. It's like an imagination challenge. Connect with someone without knowing they are a boy or a girl. No, LOVE them. Challenge all the assumptions you have about what a boy will be and what a girl will be. No matter how hard I try, I will still gender the hell out of my child. That's what culture does to us--"it doesn't just make us all alike, it makes us alike in fine detail." I like the idea of lengthening this time for as long as feels comfortable to me and MFP, almost a sacred time, where gender doesn't matter. That's another reason I don't want gendered baby clothes. I like how little babies and children all look pretty much the same. The Puritans didn't even really say "he" or "she"--they used the pronoun "it"--until about age 7 or so, because children didn't really have a gender to them, even if they had gendered names. It seems like a special time, of multicolored onesies and sweaters and overalls and sleeper sacks, when boy/girl does't matter. Such innocence. I want to be ready for that, maybe instead of sewing dresses. I could sew clothes that either a boy or a girl could wear.

And who knows, if I am lucky enough to have a living child #2, I could then reuse all this stuff regardless of their sex! Basically, finding out a child's sex is a really, really personal decision. Some people really want to know. Maybe I will tomorrow! Some people really don't, like I feel today. I respect everyone's decision on this. I wonder if this for me also has to do with the fact that I always put off opening presents as long as possible. It might be a way to avoid intense emotion--even good emotion. That's not so great. But it's what my instinct is. I get that to some people that is weird, just like to me, gender-reveal cakes with screen-printed sonograms on them are *weird*!

Here's hoping that this pregnancy continues on healthy. B'sha'ah tovah to us.