The Quickening

Before we had "The Thickening!" And now we have THE QUICKENING! I regularly feel little twitches, despite my anterior-and-to-the-right-placenta, and I'm pretty sure they're not gas or digestion, they're my big baby moving around. I had thought it might be weird, but it's not. I love it. I am 20 weeks pregnant today. That means I officially can't have a miscarriage this pregnancy. If I have a loss, it would be a stillbirth. I'm glad to be over 35 so NSTs and an extra ultrasound is in my future. Reading all these natural parenting books I wish I heard more about infertility, about pregnancy loss, in them. That's part of "nature" too, and it sure as hell affects how women feel about birth. I hired a doula this past week. She's experienced, professional, sensitive, and she seems wise. She shared with me that she had lost an infant, though she didn't share details. I feel so sad for her. I can tell she gets that my worries aren't pathological. Hiring the doula made me feel so much more hopeful about my care and about the birth, after a disappointing last appointment with the midwives. It feels good to have support.

I'm so happy to be halfway through this pregnancy, to be showing, to be preparing. After so long and so much grief and despair about whether this would happen, I can't believe it's happening. Also this past week, I had unexpected contact with my family of origin. A tumult of emotions, and while my therapist was on vacation, but luckily a friend came into town and we talked about it a lot. I won't go into the details, but I will say that being called family is a privilege, not a right. Being called Grandma is a privilege that needs to be earned. I wish I could scream it from the rooftops. No one has a right to be in my life, to be in anyone 's life. Also, my choice to share about this pregnancy is also an honor. Anytime someone shares about their life, it's an honor. Sometimes my world looks smaller since I've challenged my old assumptions about what I "owe" to people. And that's sad. But it's also sometimes feeling a lot richer. And deeper. I don't want people who couldn't bother to extend sympathy with my grief over the miscarriages (or anything else) to share in my joy over this pregnancy, it just doesn't feel right.

I know I said I'd say "B'sha'ah tovah," but I say congratulations sometimes, and often I accept congratulations from others. I'm trying to live in hope, even though the fear comes sometimes. I love this baby so so much already. I love you, baby. I will tell you for the rest of my days about the earliest beginnings of yours.