One thing about infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss is that I lose, in addition to the hope for having a child, the dream of having the family size I want. Maybe I wanted two, maybe three as a possibility, but now I lose the choice, the control. I have no idea. No assurance that anything I want reproductively will happen. I know there's reason to hope for one child still, but there's good reason NOT to hope for more than one, given my age and how excruciating this process has been. That dream dying is hard, a background loss, but one that sometimes hits me on top of everything nonetheless. Today I talked with a lawyer friend about making up a will. Then I realized we have no one to leave anything too, and we very well may never. If the two of us die, we vanish, pretty much. We have our dog to be sure to account for, and it would feel good to plan to donate anything we have to charity that means something to us. But there's no child, no dear friend, no niece or nephew whose education we could sponsor--no one meaningful. What a waste of my life, after 35 years.
I know my work is meaningful, I know certainly I am meaningful to MFP, and I've touched a few friends' lives. I know too that cumpulsory maternity teaches women our lives are wasted without traditional families, and I want to challenge that. I wish I just didn't want kids. Life would be so much easier right now.
#4 two week wait begins today. If we fail after #6, I am officially infertile. I'm still on a hiatus from acupuncture. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. I'm so fucking sick of this shit.
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