Did I ever tell you that I don't even technically have "recurrent pregnancy loss"? Not just because I've had two miscarriages instead of 3 (my Dr. Keep Trying says it takes 3) but because, as Dr. Special said, it looks like with pregnancy #2, which was a traumatizing marathon if trying to get unpregnant for infinitely longer than I was ever pregnant and thinking it was okay, never showed a "sac," or whatever. If that wasn't a sojourn into the murky world between life and new life... Anyway, so diagnostically, nothing is wrong with me yet, except my birthday present of now being high risk as a result of my "advanced" age. Nothing's wrong, which is comforting. But also, eerie. And invalidating. Miscarriage hurts. Two miscarriages hurt. So much. Trying over and over, month after month, ovulation kits and apps and vitamins and progesterone and acupuncture and not getting pregnant right away again--after getting pregnant the first time with no trouble! But not yet taking "too" long to get pregnant... This is not okay. I went off birth control nearly two years ago. I spent half of last year pregnant. Yet all I have is heartbreak.
Last week I was feeling a lot of grief, getting invites to a baby's first birthday party, seeing babies who would have been my baby's age, passing families with two small children, one right after another--and thinking, "what an impossible miracle!" (Some of my grief is also losing hope for the family size I wanted; given my age, two children seems like a pipe dream when one may not even be in the cards). It was the day for the monthly pregnancy loss group, and I thought I was done going, but then I reconsidered. Isn't my loss different from a late term loss? Is this group really for me? Shouldn't I be over it by now? I thought I wouldn't need the group anymore. Don't I sound more like a woman struggling with infertility than with pregnancy loss? Well it's both and neither--again, I'm in the gray zone in between. But then I reminded myself that I have felt better after going; that it can be a space to grieve; that no one there has ever invalidated my grief; that no one there would say to anyone they should be "over" it. So I went, and MFP came with me. And there was no one else there. The grief counselor said this had never happened before, only two people coming. In a way, it was validating--she definitely validated our grief (we chatted for like a half an hour before leaving). In another way, I felt sad to lose the opportunity to see the others there and to offer them support. I don't know if I'll go back again. I did, afterward, after the counselor's suggestion, buy some art supplies and spend a few minutes on my sadness about this loss--remembering it. I got out a tear or two and I'm glad I made time for it. The pain of these memories, even the happy memory of what it felt like to be so filled with love and hope, feels so anathema now.
Among some people we know, we've started getting the "are you still trying?" Comments. Wondering if we've given up. I feel angry about the assumption that it would be in our control-- like all we'd have to do is have sex. We get a lot of comments that reflect how others don't feel comfortable acknowledging the limbo we are in. When limbo is the primary characteristic of what sucks ass about what we are going through. We may have to adjust to a life without kids; we may just have to be patient a bit longer. We may get pregnant again and lose it; maybe multiple times. We may get secondary infertility and have to go into treatment, but we're not there yet. I just don't know. I just know for certain I'm not pregnant and I have no child.
I find myself regretting my choices. Yeah we waited until our life was secure and we felt ready--but maybe I shouldn't have? Should have been panicked about my fertility earlier? I judge every choice. Then I feel resentful at all the things I'm doing or not doing (like coffee). What if I don't go to acupuncture and I don't get pregnant, will that be why? What if I want a break from acupuncture appointments because I'm fucking tired of it? What if I don't have time for a break because every day I slide further down the over 35 slope that I never used to care about? What if I'm overweight and I'd get pregnant faster if I was thinner? Should I add losing weight--despite taking progesterone which causes weight gain--to the many things I'm doing to try to get and stay pregnant?
Saturday I had a big cry. I just know I want this and everywhere I go I'm reminded of how it didn't work out for me; of how lucky other people are; of how I never thought this would be me.
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