Game on

My first impulse when I'm sad is to isolate. But earlier this week, I reached out more and I'm glad I did. I went back to acupuncture, but to the community clinic by my house, not the doctors office across town. I liked the herbal teas the doctor was making for me, but for whatever reason going there had come to feel like a burden. One of the acupuncturists at the community clinic referred me there after miscarriage #2. I got pregnant when I was doing acupuncture there twice last year, so I figured I'd better try it again. I won't be trying to get pregnant forever, I can give this a go again. I like sitting in the recliners rather than laying down in a room in the doctors office, and the acupuncturists near my house are so soft-spoken and gentle. After I went it was like pricking a balloon of sadness--I left and just sobbed. I needed to. I called my friend. I curled up with MFP and our dog licked my face and when my friend called back I just told her all about where we're at with trying to have a kid and she just listened and was supportive and asked questions but didn't give any advice or make any promises, and since then I've been feeling a lot better. Nothing has changed, but I just have this sense of, we just have to stick it out. See this through. Stay in the game. I told MFP, I imagine a coach giving a pep talk: "Look team, it's been two years and two miscarriages, and does anyone think we're down? No! We'll show em! We're gonna go out there and we're going to keep trying! We're not going to give up yet! What are we gonna do? Exactly what we've been doing! And we're not going to give up until we're down for the count! We're going to count the days! We're going to take my temperature! We're going to limit caffeine and pee on sticks! We're going to time sex right and face game time next month, that's what we're going to do! This is Day One! Let's do this!"

We're going to have a baby "by hook or by crook," as MFP says. It's not time yet to stop trying biologically and pursue adoption, but if we get there, we're gonna go for it. In the meantime were going to stick it out. Month #5 of serious trying in a row, with progesterone. Month #8 since the last miscarriage. Here we go. Day 2.

It's so beautiful out today. I wish I had my baby to share it with, or at least one on the way. I feel angry I can't make it happen. Like I've been waiting in line at the DMV for two years, I'm impatient. We'll stay the course. And breathe and try to have fun and reach out for as much kindness and support as we can along the way.