What to say, what not to say

I think this goes for a lot of kinds of losses, not just miscarriages and infertility. This week I heard, "Call me if you want to talk," and that felt really really good. I think the world would be a better place if those words were said more often.

One thing I liked about the pregnancy loss group was that despite the different reasons why we were there, everyone agreed that no one wanted to hear, "everything happens for a reason." Also, for me, "it will happen" doesn't feel good. The killer is the not knowing, that's what I want support for--and really, the knowing what did happen already, that I was pregnant twice and lost it twice. That just hurts, still, that I could be 9 months pregnant right now, or holding my six month old. I think people say those things because that's what others have said to them when they were hurting in the past, and that's what they tell themselves. Also, they probably feel impatient and annoyed with my pain, maybe just a smidge. People are imperfect, that's okay.

I wish there were one or two more people around I could just cry with, and I'd be happy to return the favor. If only we could get the word out that actually, happiness and fun can actually come right on the heels of that, and it feels way better than just telling ourselves to feel better!

I have to admit though, that people can be pretty cold about miscarriage and infertility. Even stillbirth, people can be really cold about. Maybe because they don't understand it, because there's shame around women's bodies and around pregnancy, so people don't talk about it. But I do think there's a lot of coldness, of impatience with the grieving, of hushing it, like to be sad about it is to be embarrassing yourself. That in itself is sad. And a privileged view to have, to be lucky enough to be able to be ignorant and insensitive about these kinds of losses! I'd like to get even better at responding--like saying, "I know you're saying that to be comforting, but what I'd like to hear is that you know I wish my baby was already here, and it's okay to be sad about that. That would feel really good." Not that I'd change people. Some people just already know to say things that feel comforting. But responding that way also would help me not to internalize those messages saying basically not to be sad.