Perfect

"Perfect," she said, as she turned on the volume and we heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wept. MFP recorded with my phone the brief moment Dr. Special showed it to us and we've already listened to that soft, miraculous sound several times already. A friend last night suggested we be prepared to record it if we heard it and that was a good idea; I wouldn't have thought of it. It helps me believe this is real, helps me at attach to my little miracle.

The gestational sac is so much bigger than when we saw it at 5 weeks, and now we can clearly see the fetal pole inside of it. There is definitely a baby growing. I am 6 weeks 6 days along today, and it looks like from the printout they gave me on the photo that the heart rate is 142 bpm--I don't know what exactly that means but Dr. Special said "Perfect" so I'm sticking with that. There are other measurements on the printout I don't understand, but they say variously 7 wks1day+/-4 days; 7wks3days; and 7 wks0days, so I'm just going to call it that my little embryo's growth is right on target. Dr. Special said we now have a 90-95% chance of having a healthy baby. This is beautiful.

I know people have lost pregnancies after they've heard a heartbeat; I know people whose perfectly healthy children were born still; I know people whose pregnancies had to be terminated because of severe fetal deformities. I know there's a whole world inside that 5-10% and there's nothing that says I won't be part of it. I also know people struggling with infertility who don't know if they'll ever get to the stage I'm at today, or if they'll get there with their own oocytes or not. My joy is intimate right now; I want to somehow be joyful and keep falling in love with my embryo and preparing for this major life change while still being humble and recognizing that I can't take anything for granted. Even if I take my healthy, squealing and squirming baby home in my arms, even after that, the world makes me no promises. I want to raise my baby with my eyes open, with my heart full, and able to savor life even while knowing that suffering can and does happen. I'm starting now.

The day we found out that pregnancy #1 had miscarried, we had planned to go out for Indian food for lunch to celebrate hearing a heartbeat. Instead, we went out for it today, one year, 3 months, and 11 days later. I feel like we've been on the journey of parenthood for a long while, even though our baby's life has barely begun. I said today, hey little one, let's try Indian food for the first time together! I am so looking forward to doing so many things together with my baby, to make a safe and loving place from which to explore the world. I'm hoping I get the chance. I'm grateful for every day I'm on this journey.